i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
