I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
