Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
