Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
