You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
