I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
