Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
