I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
bring money and cleavage
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
