you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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