fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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