i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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