My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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