How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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