I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
our cab driver is having phone sex.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Randomize
