Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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