she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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