theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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