She announced her abortion via fbk
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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