My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize