Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
