Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
