Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
