"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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