i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
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