Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Randomize
