She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
