i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
