im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Randomize
