I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize