so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
