when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
No subtext here. People are naked.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
