Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
this beer tastes like vomit already
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Randomize
