guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
We have started to decorate penises.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
