i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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