I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
