Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
