Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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