fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
