I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
