in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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