I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
