we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
