I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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