Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
