my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
