It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
