He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I think your dad took our porno
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
