i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
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