So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
