Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
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