I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
