I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
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