I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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