Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
My vagina just recognized that song.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Randomize