Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I made him laugh his dick is mine
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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