Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
