bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Randomize
