i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
