Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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