I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
She has the best kind of daddy issues
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
